How to Keep the Music Playing: Ten Steps to Creating a New Vision of Marriage

What are the predictors of marital satisfaction? by Carole Parker, Ph.D.

Carole Parker Ph.D., a licensed psychologist, wrote her dissertation on this subject, and the answers aren't what you might think. Affluence, being the same age, religion, socio-economic class or sharing the same hometown are not predictors. Even learning from past marital mistakes isn't a predictor. After all, 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, but so do 68 percent of second marriages. Affluence predicts stability, but not satisfaction. Simply put, often people don't want to divide the wealth -- but stick together despite dissatisfaction.

The best predictor of stability and marital satisfaction is friendship. Even commitment is not a predictor, because there is "constrained commitment" -- staying together for the children, for example. Love is not a predictor. Even ex-spouses say they still love their mates. However, respect for your spouse as an individual goes a long way for both stability and satisfaction. What will help couples not only survive, but thrive, in the institution of marriage is their ability to remake it as the realities of life change around them, to have fun together and to "be in the moment" with each other, giving one another full attention when communicating.

Parker offers the following 10 steps to help midlife married couples on their way to a vision for making the rest of their marriage the best it can be. 1. Create a marriage that's partner-focused, not child-focused. "This is one of the biggest spaces between some couples. Sometimes the wife wants to spend a great deal of time with the children or grandchildren, and the male wants her more to himself," says Parker. "We have to be open about what we find renewing, and what we find exhausting. Then act accordingly," she says.

Couples need to sort out issues like: How much are we willing to share our partner? How do we deal with those differing points of view? How much time do we plan to spend with other family members? Which friendships do we nurture and/or share? Having "friends of the relationship" is another predictor -- someone who is tuned into the relationship, doesn't take sides and offers perspectives that are useful for both people in the couple. 2. Maintain an effective communication system that lets you share future dreams and disappointments. This is difficult if you have been a perpetually poor communicator, or if you are not accustomed to letting your feelings surface.

Hundreds of books have been written on communication. All of them involve respect, active listening, knowing oneself, and caring for the other. "CEOs go to work every day with the biggest mask on. It's true that it's lonely at the top. Who do you talk to? Where can you allow yourself to be vulnerable?" Parker asks. "In good marriages, mates come home to a safe environment where they can share their deepest selves."

Many people don't even know what their feelings are, so a place to start is the willingness to ask yourself the deeper questions of, "What is important to me?" "Who am I?" "What do I want?" "What are my dreams?" There has to be a process to reserve judgment. The guiding principle has to be, "Talk to me like I'm somebody you love." All of us have a deep desire to connect and be known. Good marriages can provide that. 3. Use anger and conflict in a creative way. "Sometimes I hear people say, 'Well, we never fought,' but in reality the marriage is so dead," observes Parker. "Relationships get in trouble if you're too distant or too intense." "Every relationship has power struggles," says Parker. Men often lose their voice when, in trying to please the woman they love, they fail to express themselves fully. Women may defer too much to their mates, losing their voice, and later harbor resentments. The best way to address this is to do the work to know your feelings, then acknowledge and express them in a respectful way. "All the rules of fair fighting apply: Don't name call. Don't threaten. Don't punish. Listen actively. Create reciprocity," she says. 4. Be a good friend to your spouse. "Friendship is one of biggest predictors of marital satisfaction," Parker explains. "You have to build a deeper friendship and enjoy your spouse on that level." Working against feelings of friendship in long-standing relationships is the "over-familiarity" factor.

We often take our loved ones for granted, treating our friends better than we do our spouse. "Most people, when they marry, secretly think about their partners, 'Why aren't you more like me?' Women often believe they can change men. The secret to friendship is 'loving what is,' and enjoying your spouse or significant other," Parker says. "Many TEC members have told me their marital satisfaction increased when they gave up the need to be right." 5. Renew romance and restore a pleasurable sexual relationship. "You have to go against the stereotype in our culture that makes older people not sexual," says Parker. "People remain sexual into their 70s and 80s.
They might have to make adjustments, but they can still enjoy themselves." Spouses who have become little more than roommates need to learn how to reconnect sexually.

Renewing romance begins outside the bedroom, and is more complex than the "make a date with your spouse" remedy that many therapists advise. It involves restoring intimacy in your interpersonal relationship, communicating and sharing your life, hopes and dreams on the deepest levels. Conversely, couples who freely share sex without intimacy are losing out. John Gottman, a renowned marriage expert, likens the emptiness of this behavior to "having a diploma without the education." 6. Bad things happen. Strengthen your relationship for the life changes that can deplete it. "The expectation that life will get easier is false," says Parker. "Just because your house is paid off, your kids are through college, doesn't mean that life demands lessen. They just change."

Whether it's aging parents, business difficulties, health issues, or disappointing adult children, the ongoing challenges of life buffet relationships. "You have to build capacity to handle these changes and continue to make the relationship a top priority," says Parker. 7. Learn to let go of what you can't control. OK, this is a tough one for anyone. But for CEOs? A major challenge. "A lot of these guys in TEC are real control freaks, and I don't say that without warmth and love," says Parker. "It helps to ask how much you can hope to control in a relationship, and then to control -- or at least manage -- your own expectations." You need a lot of humanity to deal with yourself and others," she adds. "According to the great Zen masters, good leadership is clarity, courage and humanity." 8. Learn to forgive and let go of past disappointments.

By the time a marriage has hit the double-digits of longevity, disappointments are likely to be accumulating. Most are small, but sometimes they may be deep and painful. "This can be very difficult to do, particularly if you are focused on the past. Keeping score damages relationships. As the philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer said, 'Where counting starts, understanding stops,'" says Parker. "The definition of true maturity is realizing the ambiguity of all your successes and your failures. If you can choose to view the rest of your life together as an opportunity, and you can focus on gratitude and forgiveness, the path to marital accord is greatly enriched," she says. 9. Respect each other's spiritual journey. "Watch out for being judgmental if you have different views of God and religion," says Parker. "Sometimes these differences can be absolutely inspirational," she says. "The more you can be open, flexible and curious about differing views, the better.

While it can be difficult to suspend judgment, it helps if you look for where you can agree, and where you agree to disagree," says Parker. 10. Commit to making your marriage the best it can be. "Most CEOs are pathologically optimistic about business. They need to put that same kind of energy into their marital relationship," says Parker. By creating a vision for what you want your marriage to become, and then optimistically committing to the course you chart, the future will be brighter than it has ever been.

Creating a new vision of marriage is an ongoing journey. It takes a great commitment to traveling together to stay on the same path. Parker says there is a growing groundswell of hope that defies the divorce statistics. She sees the signs in her practice, where she counsels people who have married, divorced, and rediscovered one another years later -- as well as those who just need a tune-up on the way. This is from a woman who waited until she was 30 to get married, because she thought it was such a huge risk. "I was scared to death to marry," says Parker. "Yet it's been one of the most joyful and surprising experiences of my life." Married 30 years -- to the same man -- and with two children, Parker says, "Good marriages are not without conflict. I have thought about murder many times, but divorce -- never," she says facetiously. Last point: Humor is one of the best antidotes to stress, and when shared in a marriage, adds tremendous richness.