By:  Judith Barnett, PhD

It has been established that infidelity is the single most damaging thing that can occur in marriage today, and its occurrence is on the rise. Some studies show it is the most common cause for divorce in our society. What can couples do to protect their relationship from infidelity?

The steps below will help shield your relationship against betrayal:

1. Avoid sharing intimate or personal details about your partner or relationship with others (especially when you are arguing or not getting along). This includes co-workers, of course, but also friends and relatives. It is awkward for all concerned. If you definitely need to share with someone, find an objective, uninvolved third party such as a minister or therapist.

2. Avoid socializing with opposite-sex friends or co-workers, where there will be alcohol, flirting, dancing, etc.

3. Avoid taking too much advice from well-intentioned friends and family. They don’t really know/understand your relationship dynamics well enough to give you wise, well-informed advice. Your partner might believe you have broken his/her confidence and feel sided against.

4. Don’t have lunch with the same person at work repeatedly unless it is in a group setting and you can keep it impersonal.

5. If you have any questions about another relationship you already have, discuss it thoroughly with your partner. Remember the test: Would your partner be comfortable if they could hear an audiotape or see a videotape of your interactions with the other person?

6. Have an in-depth discussion with your partner as to what each of you considers infidelity or objectionable interpersonal behavior. Be sure to discuss emotional affairs, internet and email relationships as well as extramarital sexual relationships. REACH CONSENSUS. [It is helpful to write out your agreements and review them every few months].

7. Don’t consistently confide in the same person outside the relationship. It often leads to emotional bonding and can be potentially dangerous to your relationship.

8. Do not contact “old flames” from the past without first discussing it with your partner and examining your motives for doing so. [Don’t agree to it just to avoid conflict].

9. Do not visit private chat rooms where there are one-on-one chats.

10. Avoid email relationships that involve daily or in-depth sharing.

11. Don’t tell anyone that you are attracted to them or have “feelings” for them.

12. Don’t hang out with people who are engaged in or support infidelity behaviors in any way.        

                         THE BEST WAY TO GUARD AGAINST AFFAIRS

Obviously, some of the best steps toward affair-proofing your relationship are those that are based on strengthening your relationship and enhancing your intimacy with your partner.

1. Stay connected by touching, talking, going on dates, and sharing fun, laughter, hopes and dreams.

2. Have meaningful, intimate communication on a daily basis.  Tell your partner you love them in many ways.  Ask them which ways are the most meaningful to THEM.

3. Engage in frequent satisfying sexual/physical contact.

4. Explore and resolve conflicts on a regular basis; nothing kills love and sexual attraction like unresolved anger.

5. Go on romantic dates or weekend trips. Hold hands, have lots of public displays of affection.  Express love to your partner in THEIR love language.

6. Find out what the “love-buster” behaviors are in your relationship and stop engaging in them.

Maintaining a healthy relationship requires time. For effective affair-proofing you need to add 5-10 hours of quality time per week for the average marriage to grow and thrive. It is absolutely essential that enough time be given to marriage. It is so easy to find all the reasons that there isn't enough time. But the average AFFAIR consumes 10-15 hours per week and plenty of people find time for that. So which would you choose to spend 10 extra hours per week on? (If you chose “affairs” you are reading the wrong article!)

There is more information available on this topic; if you still have questions not answered by this article, please call Dr. Judith Barnett, the author of this article. She is usually available within 24-48 hrs to answer questions, schedule phone sessions or office visits, or direct you to other resources. Her office phone # is 919-942-0400. She has 2 websites: judithbarnett.com or afterinfidelity.com where you can read more on this and other topics about marriage and relationships.

Remember:  Research / statistics on infidelity indicates that receiving counseling after the discovery of an affair is the single best predictor of recovery.