Are Virtual Affairs Different?

In recent years studies have come out of our universities about Internet romances among married people.  Seems there are thousands of married men and women on the web looking for a fling.  The ease and convenience make it irresistible to some. While real affairs can cost thousands of dollars and require intricate plans for meetings, etc., these virtual affairs are just a few mouse clicks away and are very inexpensive.

Men are more likely to be looking for cheap thrills, though the women who delve into this area find hundreds of men from whom to choose.  Sound like fun?  Read on.

Why cyber-affairs?  Men are complaining about lack of sex, and the women “cheaters” are complaining about lack of intimacy.  Same as it ever was.  Some are looking for that adolescent “in love” feeling that is fueled by the secrecy and the uncertainty of the cyber-affair.  Others have never grown up and are unable to handle real commitment.  But the real difference today is the convenience, speed, and ease in which these affairs can develop.  Why work hard to enrich your marriage when you can type out your fantasy and have the perfect lover respond instantly?  People are duped into believing there is substance in these liaisons because of the power of words and the instant communication.  There are websites with names like “Married But Flirting.”

How’s that for full disclosure?

Old-fashioned affairs were usually driven out of anger at one’s spouse or deep dissatisfaction in the marriage.  These new cyber-affairs are different.  Boredom, curiosity, sex-addiction, and even middle-age blues drive them.  People are going online for a quickie now.  They exchange fantasies instead of fluids.  They can, however, get emotionally involved and make plans to meet.  One study found that about one third of the survey respondents managed to physically meet.  All but a few of them had sex.

So your spouse wants to play around with somebody named Yvette.  It’s all just fantasy, right?  Does it really harm anyone if these Internet playmates are adults just looking to flirt?  The Internet affair has all the elements of a real affair except perhaps the physical contact.  People can pour their hearts out to a stranger in Dubuque, telling them things they haven’t told their own spouse in their ten or twenty years of marriage.  Survey results tell us that most of the spouses of these virtual cheaters feel just as angry, hurt, and betrayed as those involved in real infidelity.  These cyber-affairs can do real damage.

Spouses who suspect cyber-affairs are setting up special software traps and keystroke recording devices to gather proof of the infidelity.  Therapists’ offices are filling up all over the country with people wondering what happened in their marriage that their husbands have to go looking for Russian women or their wives have to go find their lost sweethearts on classmates.com.  Divorce lawyers are struggling with the legal issues of cyber-tapping one’s spouse.  It’s a strange new world.

The slope is more slippery on the Internet.  You may be a few clicks away from making a big mistake.  Virtual cheating may not even feel like cheating.  The rationalizations and excuses are easy.  Anonymity can keep you a safe distance from your virtual lover.  Your secret can be firmly locked in your hard drive.  But here’s the bottom line.  Internet relationships in which you spend more time and energy than you do with your own spouse are a bad idea.  You might think you can click off at any time, but you can just as easily get hooked and find yourself in a messy divorce.  If you are in an Internet romance, get out now.  Invest in something of value.  Like that real human being you married. 

Dr. Dan Opdyke is a Clinical Psychologist in private practice in Hickory at New Directions Counseling Services.  You can reach him at dan@newdirectionscs.com. Or call New Directions at 828-267-1740.